


it's a small crime and I've got no excuse

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drabble, Episode: s02e07 How Are Thou Fallen, Fix-It, M/M, POV Raphael Santiago, Pining, adios fuckboy simon, ended it on a good note though because this ship is painful enough already, maia is a good bro, paving my own simon, simon isn't clueless for once, soft raphael is soft, y'all should be used to my buckets of sadness by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 08:26:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9713297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: Raphael's other half is sat across from a beautiful girl with auburn curls and a copy of Jane Eyre on the table.He's gesturing at a gray box and giving away a smile that once belonged to mid-afternoons spent tracing the contours of Simon's body, laughter seeping into the halls of the hotel.





	

 

* * *

 

 _Leave me out with the waste_  
_this is not what I do_  
_It's the wrong kind of place_  
_to be thinking of you_  
_It's the wrong time_  
_for somebody new_  
_It's a small crime_  
_and I've got no excuse_

([x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgqOSCgc8xc&index=30&list=PLSn1U7lJJ1UnczTmNYXW8ZEjJsCxTZull))

* * *

 

The bar is lit with tiny golden lights and smells of burning candle wax. Patrons are lined up along the front with half empty beers and cocktails collecting condensation on a marred counter and he should not have came. Raphael's chest aches, pressure building at the sound of drunken bubbly couples until a scent he knows intimately carries in the stale air. 

His other half is sat across from a beautiful girl with auburn curls and a copy of Jane Eyre on the table. He's gesturing at a gray box and giving away a smile that once belonged to mid-afternoons spent tracing the contours of Simon's body, laughter seeping into the halls of the hotel. 

* * *

_Raphael trails lingering kisses over the nape of Simon's neck, inhaling his scent. God he has never felt such a swelling pride, a tidal wave of a feeling he'd given up on three years after being turned. He thinks he'd go mad without Simon Lewis, consumed by his own hatred and self enforced solitude. Dios, he cannot even picture an eternity where Simon Lewis doesn't laugh as he nips at a sensitive inner arm or moan about Raphael badgering him into drinking every three hours. He cannot fathom Simon being anything but his._

_(He will soon learn that even betrayal will not dull the feeling)_

_'What if I love you? Is that alright with you?'_

_Simon rolls over, burying a hand in Raphael's hair and kissing the tip of his nose. 'What if I love you back?'_

_What if we-_

* * *

 

Tears prickle from behind Raphael's eyes and he grimaces, shaking his head. Simon's face is illuminated in shades of yellow, teeth glinting as he speaks of movie they'd abandoned half finished on a rainy Wednesday not two months ago. The girl smells of wolves and he growls under his breath, if Simon had planned on cheating he could've at least went with a fellow vampire.

A tiny cynical voice in the back of his head taunts,  _Is it cheating if you are his but he is not yours?_

He sniffs, chin rising in a show of pride. There's not much of it by this point but he will not have a public breakdown. 

 

Simon shifts and the pattern of his shirt catches Raphael's eye. The clan leader sucks his bottom lip in his mouth, fangs piercing the skin - he recognizes it. In another life Simon had snagged it from Raphael's wardrobe and brazenly wore it around the hotel the next day without asking. When it hit the floor next to a pair of discarded pants twenty minutes after, he'd nipped the slope of a shoulder playfully and muttered half heartedly about thieving fledglings.  

 

"You're in love with him," Maia states ruefully. She smiles but it does not reach her eyes. I was you in another life, Raphael thinks. 

 

Simon avoids her knowing gaze, choosing instead to pick at the grooves in the table. He doesn't bother asking who she's talking about nor does he deny it.  "I'm over it, it doesn't matter...I made a colossal mistake and I've got no excuse. He hates me."

Raphael balls his trembling hands into fists, nails digging into the palms. 

There's wounded sympathy in Maia's gaze when she pats Simon's arm. "It's the wrong time for somebody new, Simon. I can't be your rebound, I'm sorry. Find him, take  _him_ out to dinner and you can thank me later."

Simon appears crestfallen, having already caved to defeat. "He'd shoot me down." 

Raphael works his jaw and inhales sharply to control a flood of emotion he has been battling since he first stepped foot in Luke Garroway's boathouse. When he'd cupped Simon's shoulder that night, it was one part grief from beyond the grave and one part bitter spite that kept him anchored. 

Maia stands, book in hand. "Try it, just trust me on this." 

Simon nods, smile having faded at the implied mention of Raphael's name. "I will."

* * *

 

Simon storms through the doors of Hotel DuMort not two hours later and pushes past elder vampires who get in his way. His hair is mussed from running his fingers through it anxiously, voice pitched higher than usual. They manage to contain him to the main hall with it's renaissance paintings and golden furniture even as he growls and calls Raphael's name. 

"Adi, you  _know_ me. We used to play Blackjack together, remember? You let me think I was beating you until I caught on and...God," Simon pants. He drops his elbows to his thighs, head in his hands. He is not the same selfish boy that walked out the door with Raphael's shirt on his back and heart squeezed dry in his hands. This Simon has stopped fighting heartbreak and recklessly filling the gap with pretty girls and a version of himself that doesn't match his own reflection. 

"I will not let you hurt him," she hisses, eyes flashing with anger. Simon had betrayed the entire clan when he'd freed Raphael's abuser, their tormentor. The past has long relentless arms that could kill a man if he were to surrender.

Possibly for the first time, Simon is mute. Minutes pass before he speaks, "Okay. Just...tell him I stopped by." He stands, hands in his pockets to show he's no longer a threat. "On second thought, don't. I know where the door is, I'm gone." 

 

"Don't go," Raphael pleads at Simon's back, coming out from the hall where he'd overheard the entire exchange.

 

Next to Adi, Lily narrows her eyes at Simon then darts back to the clan leader. She's opening her mouth for a scathing remark when Raphael dismisses her.  "I'm fine," he insists. Simon's eyes are full of sadness, they reflect each other. "He won't hurt me," Raphael adds. 

They stalk off together, heels clicking against the floor. 

 

"I won't, I swear it. I'm so sorry," Simon states, a quiet desperation in his gaze. He curls his arms around himself, feeling exposed and vulnerable. Sorry I loved you, sorry I let you make a home out of my heart only to walk away in the end. Sorry I tried to move on and failed, sorry I broke us. 

"I know," Raphael says, voice low and raw.

He closes the distance between them one cautious step at a time and cups a cool cheek in his palm. Simon leans into the touch like a cat, allowing himself to be forgiven. Raphael strokes his thumb over a cheekbone and brushes a kiss to the other side. His touch is loving, adoring. In turn, Simon's hand comes up to wrap around the nape of Raphael's neck, shaking like leaves in the wind. They are tiny earthquakes under flesh and blood, trembling love into every caress. 

 

Simon speaks, graveled throat and parched lips. "What if I love you?"

 

Raphael surges forward, sealing their mouths together. He makes a choked off sobbing sound, hands gripping Simon's hips hard enough to bruise. They hold onto one another as if the world might split beneath their feet, finding them on opposite sides of the fault line. The kiss quickly turns heated with biting slick lips and small broken noises. Time and a bitter grief have taken so much from them but there is time to mend now. Simon's hands touch every inch of skin he can reach with reverence and unbridled passion, re-learning the angles with shuttered eyes. 

They break apart after a few minutes, foreheads resting together. For a long moment, they do not speak. It's Raphael who breaks the silence.

 

"What if I love you back?" Raphael whispers, intertwining their hands. 

 

Simon grins, teary eyed and as beautiful as the morning sun. "Then I'm home."

* * *

 

Later, he leaves the ghost of a sunshine smile on the crook of Raphael's elbow, his ribs, each shoulder blade. 


End file.
